THIS ONE IS FOR THE GIRLS

“I dont think I’ll ever stop missing you” I say to my younger self as she plays on her elementary school's playground. I don't tell her that this playground will be gone in a few years.

“What do you mean miss me? We are the same person” she asks

I could say that I mean one day you are 10 and then the next you are 17 and then all of sudden you are 22 and feel like you took your childhood for granted because all you wanted to do was grow up only to grow up and want to be a kid again. I could say that life was so much easier when having a crush just entailed writing my first name and his last name in my notebook over and over again in different colors and fonts. That crushes aren't like that anymore and they actually just make you want to throw up. I could tell her that missing her means missing my blonde curly hair that turned brown and wavy and I can try all I want to get that blonde hair back but all it will do is become dry and unhealthy and no matter how much I want that blonde back, brunette will just be better in the long run. “But I was blonde as a kid” I scream! Yes but you are not a kid anymore!! my mind screams back. I could say that missing her means missing how her brother used to live in the bedroom right across from hers and now he's in Chicago and no matter how much you want that life back you cannot have it back. I could say that one day we will stop going to New Jersey which is her favorite place in the world, and that I miss the way the ice cream truck was the happiest sound ever and meeting friends happened by seeing someone your age in the ocean and walking up to them and saying hi. I could tell her that missing her means missing being naive. That being 22 means you know too much and nothing at all at the same time. Missing her means missing how her first and only heartbreak this far in life was her dad and not some boy who didn't even know how to love her correctly. I could say that missing her means missing the family members you grew up with that don’t even talk to you anymore. That family is not always promised. But she didn't know that yet. I could tell her that I miss how she just thought older men were always friendly to her because everyone is friendly to little girls. She doesn't know that because she is a girl, the years ahead of her are long and grueling and the world is going to be so cruel and unfair to her but at least she can get into a frat party easily. I could tell her that when I say “I don't think i’ll ever stop missing you” it doesn't mean she's not still a part of me, because she is, but I miss when she was all of me.

“It's complicated girlfriend, one day you’ll understand what I mean”

She hops off the swing laughing “That day is sooooooooo far away!” She walks away to join her best friend she's had since she was 3 years old, not knowing they don't talk anymore.

Girlhood. Never NOT missing your childhood. Not being able to do anything about it. Feeling like nostalgia is more similar to a sickness rather than an emotion. Crying because you miss everything so much all of the fucking time.

Girlhood. The best and worst thing in the entire world. Something I'll never get tired of talking about. The contrast between the horrors and beauty of it. The contrast between loving being a girl and hating it. Everything that men have taken away from us, everything that they never could.

Girlhood is much more apparent when you're older. Definitely not freshman year of college when all you have your eye on is boys to kiss and parties you want to go to because the junior boys are hosting it and they’re hot. It's more like junior year when you and your bestfriends are in the car screaming to “When I was your man” by Bruno Mars with your heads out the window on the way to dinner that you all got dressed up for because that sounded fun. It's sunny out so you can sit at an outdoor table and take cute pictures because OH MY GOD THE LIGHTING IS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW. Switching seats because the way the sun sits on your face MAKES YOU GUYS LOOK AMAZING.

Or you might notice it senior year when it's Halloween and everyone is doing each other's hair and makeup and asking for honest advice about what looks best and genuinely believing that your friends will be honest with you (a lovely feeling). All sitting on the living room floor on the cutest rug that we all picked out together because “it brings more color to the living room and we need more color MORE PINK, PEOPLE MATTER OF FACT LETS GET SOME PINK POSTERS TOO”. Curlers are in our hair and we have all washed off our self tanners and are trying to decide what time we should pregame the pregame so that we have adequate time to hangout with just us girls first and play drinking games alone because sometimes that's more fun than going over to the neighbors house where there are going to be boys.

Other times you don't even notice it in the moment until you look back and see pictures of you and all your friends in one bedroom laying in bed together discussing the night before and laughing so hard you actually think you might throw up the alcohol that's still in your stomach. It's actually throwing up the alcohol in your stomach from drinking too much but your bestfriend is holding your hair back while the other one is laughing and taking pictures because we know each other so well and we are ALL going to want to see this tomorrow morning. It's taking care of eachother but knowing it's okay to laugh.

“Does this top make my boobs look good”

“Does my butt look good in these jeans? Okay but will another pair make them LOOK BETTER BE HONEST!!!” “Should I have him over tonight? Is he even cute?? No Im not showing you a picture of him he looks better in person trust me on this one”

“I'm at CVS does anyone need anything”

“Can someone please come to the mall with me I don't wanna go alone”

“Jenna can I sleep on your floor tonight” - Mary

“Mary can I sleep on your couch tonight” - Jenna

“Lets just buy groceries together and share them”

“Can you read my essay and make some edits”

“Do you guys wanna fill the bathtub up and sit in it with wine and bathing suits like a hot tub?” YES

Girlhood is being 22 years old and screaming the lyrics to Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve that go “GIVE ME BACK MY GIRLHOOD IT WAS MINE FIRST” and meaning it because girlhood can also be really fucking shitty.

(disclaimer people, it's gonna get sad. Sorry I have to. For the emotional effect. But nonetheless, truth, and truth is sometimes sad. I promise you we will eventually get back to the happy giggly girlhood feeling. BARE. WITH. ME.)

Because it’s completely losing yourself to an older guy whose only goal is to get you in his bed. It's wanting to be desired. It's not being desired. It's being desired by the wrong guy, the wrong people, by the right guy but there's just something missing and you can't do anything about that. It's not being able to get out of bed because you're experiencing your first heartbreak and you have so many questions that you will just never be able to answer and you’re trying to come to terms with that. Girlhood is having a crush and literally showing symptoms of psychosis when you’re alone and knowing everything about this man and then not even looking at him in person. It's wanting the boy who is knowingly so bad for you. Not wanting the one who is really good for you. Its straight face ignoring the catcall on a good day, screaming at the catcaller on a bad day. It's when you're having a terribly awful day because you just received life changing news and you are wearing your reasonably bad day all over your face and some man tells you to “Give me a smile baby”. Or when your guy best friend or boyfriend says something that makes you just sit and stare thinking about the fact that at the end of the day they are just another boy. It's having someone call and text and flirt with you only to find out they have a wife and kids at home and being paralyzed with the fear that one day you are going to be the wife at home. Girlhood is female rage. The good and bad kind. The kind of mad you get at your mother because you are both female. And the kind of mad you get at your father because you just have such a disconnect and are worlds apart. The rage you feel because someone took so much away from you but who is to blame because you kind of let them? So you're mad at him, but you're mad at yourself. But you're just a girl. You can only do so much. It's putting trust and faith and hope in someone and watching them hold that all in their hands only to drop it and shatter it and try to patch it back up with an apology and realizing this is way too far gone to be repaired but how do I let it go?! Why is there so much hurt in love?! Its walking away after being sexually assaulted but not wanting to call it that because it “wasn't that bad” and “much worse happens” and because “he was our friend” but simultaneously screaming at yourself because this is everything you stand against and men get away with things like that because girls have been taught time and time again to just let it go. Because it's easier. Because it's better to ignore it. Because it happens every single day. It's being a slut because you hook up with boys (who have far more bodies than you) . It's being prude because you don't sleep with someone on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. And you “owe it to them”. It's actually not giving a shit if you sleep with someone too quickly or not because you are not something to be “earned” you are a human. It's getting “Better Man” as your surprise song and crying with your best friends over it because you all feel like that even though YOU ARE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP! HELLO GIRLS!

But enough about men. We can make our own lives living hell too.

Because girlhood can be cruel - like walking into a room and feeling other girls judging you. Hearing them judge you. It's being hated by people who don't even know who you are. For rumors. For something they heard from a friend of a friend. Being hated for something someone else did. Being laughed at for something you're wearing, or doing, or saying. When girls hate like men. When girls make you feel excluded on purpose. When they don't bother talking to you when you're standing right there. Girlhood is waking up one day deciding to stop eating. It's the fitness pal app that really starts off innocent and all of sudden you're logging 500 calories for the entire day after working out for two hours because you need to work those 500 calories off. It's the feeling you get when people tell you that you're really skinny. Knowing its a bad thing but it feels fucking amazing. Like it was worth it. It's telling your friend to eat more knowing damn well she won't and knowing damn well you aren't even eating. It's weighing yourself and having a good day or bad day based on what it says. It's knowing the calories in every single piece of food by heart. Its not eating carbs. Or sugar. Or fruit. it's having safe foods. Its crying over going out to eat. It's purging. It's never being skinny enough.

It's crying because you hate the way you look and then thinking you're the hottest thing to ever live the very next day. Crying because your nail broke. Crying because you dropped your pen. Because it's too cold. Because it gets dark in the winter at 4:30. Crying because the coffee doesn't taste good, because the song hit a little bit too close to home. Crying because you are so happy. Crying because you are just so sad. Crying because the tik tok video was really cute. Crying because there's a grandpa sitting alone at the table. Crying because your friend is crying. Crying because you're at a concert and the music is so moving it feels like magic. It's crying because you're growing up. Crying because you're so mad and there's no way to express that other than tears. Crying because someone really hurt your feelings. Crying because you hurt someone's feelings. It's crying in your bedroom alone. It's crying in front of a group of people. Crying in the middle of wegmans because you're buying yourself flowers and why was it so hard for him to do that. Its so fucking easy to do.

But it's also holding your friend as she breaks down. It's your friend holding you. It's seeing the stranger in Cancun sitting alone sobbing and drunk out of her mind and sitting with her because all of her friends left her. (we still don't even know her name - but we’re girls). It's when your best friend goes through the death of a family member and you don't let her sleep alone for three weeks. Girlhood is having your friends drive you to the ER because you're having a panic attack. It's when you and your bestie sit outside and listen to sad music and cry together. It's cooking your friend her favorite meal after a breakup even though you hated the guy but it doesn't matter because she is still sad and you still love her. It's leaving the party when your friend is crying. It's comforting the girl in the bathroom. Complimenting a stranger. Sharing lipstick. Protecting a girl's drink that you don't even know. Telling someone that her tag is out. Telling her she looks really good with that hairstyle. Telling the girl that she's going to get through it. Sharing your deepest secrets drunk with a stranger and never seeing her again. Pretending to be a stranger's bestfriend when the guy is being a creep. Not letting someone walk home alone at night. Being willing to fight a man for any single girl in the bar if they touch her even if you don't like her. Giving your friend advice that you need to hear yourself. Letting your friends mess up because you mess up. Screaming your heads off at each other only to facetime 2 hours later because “I need to tell you something omg”. Girlhood is wearing a dress because you want to feel cute. It's also wearing an extra large hoodie because you want to feel cute. It's smiling for the girl reaching a PR in the gym. Telling her she's a badass. Eavesdropping and adding to the conversation and laughing with them. Doing your makeup to the new taylor swift album. Doing your makeup to the new Drake album. Feeling too much but not feeling anything at all. Hating the way he treated your friend. Journaling. Messy side tables with all of the essentials and changing your outfit 15 times before going out even though you just deep cleaned your room that same day because finding the perfect outfit is much more important and you can always clean your room again tomorrow. Girl math. Cropping your shirts. Dying your hair pink underneath. Collectively sharing Ashleys speaker and bringing it into the bathroom to take a shower and singing the songs so loud. Long walks. Girls night. We're not really strangers. Excusing your friend's actions because she's your best friend and cannot do anything wrong. Plus she's a girl. Duh. Smiling at a good book. A good Movie. A good Latte. Staining everything you wear and bruising too easily. Dancing with random boys but getting bored so you dance with your friends all night instead. Letting your guard down around women. Girl code.

“Hey what are we wearing tonight”

“Here have this shirt it looks better on you than me”

“Let's split the price of this sweatshirt and just share it”

“You got me last time i'll get you now”

“You buy the first round ill by the second”

“You're too hot for him please do not kiss that man”

“She was mean to you, so I hate her”

“Can I borrow your mascara I lost mine”

“Split a bottle of titos?”

“Ok guys what should we get her for her birthday”

“Can you curl my hair?”

“I took your laundry out of the dryer”

“If you guys don't like him, i'll stop hanging out with him”

“You would love this book”

“You know you can always talk to me”

“Let's skip class”

“I would never judge you”

"Can you come sit in the bathroom while I shower"

It's knowing everything about your friends.

Jenna still sleeps with her blanket from childhood

Grace likes her bread on her sandwiches toasted

Liz cant sleep with anyone else in the room

Ashley will always need a little time to herself when she gets sad before she can talk it out

Iris loves being away from home sometimes but she gets homesick and misses her family

Mari will tell you she won't tell anyone and then will call me to tell me

Grace glowaki wears gold jewelry and loves to facetime people on long car rides

Kayla will always have a really good gluten free pastry recipe

Hope and faith love a good ass second hand clothing find. Or a good piece of jewelry. Or a new haircut.

It's seeing the beauty in everything. Noticing the little things. Holding hands with your friends. Adding bows to anything. Keeping memories. Painting your friends' nails. Brushing her hair. Having your friend tan your back. Falling asleep to scenarios. Making a wish at 11:11. Baking cupcakes for a birthday. Having a different personality everyday. Going for a drive. Sleeping with a stuffed animal. Finding out you love yourself more than anyone else could. Giving yourself the world.

When I was a kid I wanted to do more of the “boy” things. Be on the all boys team. Play baseball with my brother. Get dirty. Hangout with my brother and his friends. Play video games. Wear his hand-me downs. Dirtbike. Never wear my hair down. Wear baggy clothes. Don't wear makeup. Don't dress up. Play tag, break bones, be indestructible.

“I dont think I'll ever stop missing you, but I wouldn't trade my position right now for the world” I say to my younger self who is getting into trouble with her guy friend Andrew like they did everyday.

“What do you mean miss me? You are me. But why don't you want to be a kid again? This is so fun” she asks as they both laugh

“Because you are still unaware of the beauty it is to be a girl.”