Stop Trying To Figure It All Out

To be completely honest I have been putting this off since last year. I've been wanting to start a blog for a few months and even so much so that I made it my new years resolution.

That did not end up happening

And now it is April. Where does the time go?!?

But its now, sitting at my kitchen table in my college house on a Saturday morning that I so badly want to type and type and never stop typing and just find a way to publish the damn thing fast enough that I don’t have time to convince myself that people are going to judge me for writing a stupid blog.

Because nobody actually gives a fuck about me posting a blog. And if someone out there does care and is reading this making fun of it with their friends, then that's pretty cool, because out of all the things they could be talking about, they are talking about this blog post. Thank you.

Anyways, as of now I don’t have a therapist, I just have my journal, which is very obviously not enough for me but something I just am going to have to work with until I finally get around to making the first move - tragic. But somehow my journal just doesn't hit some mornings. On days where I find myself writing for an hour or more I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and all of sudden I want to tell everyone in my life how much I love them. Other days my hand really hurts, the pen I am using doesn't write the correct way, and I'm writing about the same thing I wrote about last week ; except this time I'm a little more depressed about it. I wrote in my journal this morning that I feel like writing about all this sad stuff might be making me more sad ; but I don't know what else to do to get all these feelings out. Because as God has taught me countless amounts of time - if I don’t get my emotions out somehow - they are going to come up in more drastic, painful ways.

So I decided to make the switch from writing to myself to writing to whoever wants to read this. Maybe 1 person may be 100 people, but the fact of the matter is that I hope I can bring comfort to at least 1 person reading this. My true hope is that I can write about something so specific one day that someone reads this and thinks “damn, I thought that was just me!!” because then they would know they aren't alone.

The feeling of not knowing what to do with your life absolutely sucks in the worst way possible. I came from a high school that did a really good job at preparing me for college, and I'm thankful for that, but once I got to college I put everything that was important to me on the back burner. While my freshman year was crazy and fun and I thought I found so much happiness in my life, it wasn't infinite because it wasn't attainable. Now I'm a junior and I have a little over a year left in my college life and I'm sitting here thinking about how on God's green earth am I supposed to pick a career when everyday I'm sitting here thinking I'm wasting my life. Which by the way, is my biggest fear. (wasting my life)

The truth is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life at all. Not even a little bit. There is not even an ounce of me that knows what I want to do the year I graduate college. And I used to feel bad about this, and at times I still do. Do I not have goals? Do I not have ambitions? Is there nothing that I can strive for? I beat myself up for it time and time again. And where does that get me? Absolutely nowhere. I don't even know if I want to go to graduate school. I don't even know if I want to finish college. I don't even know what I want to do next year. And I hate doing those exercises that tell you to “think about your future” and “sit down and write 5 things that you want to accomplish in the next year” or “where do you wish to see yourself in 10 years?” because first of all that VERY MUCH overwhelms me and second of all I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!! The only thing that I know is that I want to do things. I want to go places. I want to be happy and I don't want to hate my life and feel like I could be doing something so much better while sitting at a desk wanting to bang my head against the wall wearing some work outfit that i don't even like

Because actually nothing at all is worse than hating your outfit.

So now what? Where does a junior in college go from here? Not only am I struggling with quite everything else in the book - I also don’t have any type of internship planned. I don't even have my classes picked out for next semester. I can't even get myself to complete the most simple assignments sometimes. And its fucking confusing me. I can't give much advice on something I don't even have figured out myself, but what I can give you is my train of thought about things.

Maybe this is just to make me feel better. Maybe it's just me trying to convince myself that everything is going to be okay. Maybe this is my false perception of reality that I am giving myself, but I truly with all my heart believe that everything will work out the way it is meant to. It doesn't have to be God for you, nor does it have to be any type of faith. It doesn't have to be crystals or the universe or any higher power because I'm not here to tell you what you believe.

I just want you to know that holding on to hope is one of the best things you could ever do for yourself. If you don't have hope you have nothing. From experience, you have nothing.

The only thing that is getting me through all these doubts about my life and the frequent panic attacks and episodes where I feel like my whole world is crumbling in on me and I'm never going to feel as content as I did in high school is the fact that eventually everything is going to make sense. There is nothing to worry about because all of us are here on this earth for a reason. Some people figure out their life sooner than others, some people look like they have their life figured out, some people think they do until what they are actually supposed to do hits them like a bus. But everyone eventually figures it out. I promise you that you don't have to figure it all out in your 20s. You don't have to have your life together by the time you graduate college, because most people don't despite what they may tell you. It is okay not to know. In the not knowing time period of your life you begin to know yourself more than you ever thought you would. It's not stupid or embarassing to admit that you have no idea what you're doing. It's just realistic. And it's honest. And nothing is better than finding just a little bit of honesty in this world.

I know this was kind of all over the place and maybe too fucking deep for a first blog post. I'm excited to be chaotic in this blog because I have so many things that come to me to write about. So many ideas to share that hopefully will put a smile on your face or tears down your cheeks. I finally started this! After so many months of putting it off! So my challenge for you is to do something you have been wanting to do for a long time. And even if you don't, I wish that what I wrote introduced a little bit of hope back into your life.

• Mary :)